Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Dating Horror Stories

This blog post is for all of you out there who have gone on that one, or maybe even two miserable, awful, horrible dates that will forever live in your mind. This is the period of time that comprised the worst of the worst, most awkward and possibly even most embarrassing moments of your life.

You all know what I'm talking about. There was the boy who picked you up on his bicycle or tried to woo you over a burger and milkshake. Or maybe you experienced the girl who took you to meet her parents on your first date or went through your apartment talking about what has to go when you get married before you even know her middle name. It has happened to us all, so here are the best of the best that I've heard, or experienced for myself.

Scenario 1: The blind blind date. Take for instance those awkward blind dates. Some call them blind because you don't know the person before you go on the date, others because you don't see the person before the date.  In the case of others, the date is blind because you didn't see him before, on, or after your date. No this is definitely not because you are actually blind, I would never stoop that low. Instead, this is a result of a face painted mask that he didn't bother to wash off after his previous activity.

Ya, talk about lazy. You know your date is a winner when he gets done with his Halloween party, stage make-up class or band practice and skips the shower. face wash and change of clothes and heads straight to spend some quality time with you.  Really makes a girl feel special.  Better yet, you will walk away and not be able to identify him in a police station line-up. Smooth, very smooth.

On the plus side, you never have to have that awkward moment if you run into him at the mall a week later, because you can literally say that you have no idea who he is.

Scenario 2: The attached at your hip blind date.  Blind dates are awkward enough so, to make them worse, throw them in a pot with valentine's day, a formal dance and a very clingy date and you're in for quite a treat.     You could even add a dash of shorter than you, follows you to the bathroom and believes he lives in a 90s comic strip as some extra flavoring. Hey, don't get me wrong I don't have anything against the 90s,cause I've been there, done that.

If that wasn't awkward enough he could perhaps ask to take a video of you dancing within the first few minutes of meeting you. Take this as a warning ladies, when the shoes come off, so do the inhibitions and sometimes it isn't pretty.

Scenario 3: The First Kiss, Sweet or Sassy?  Ok, regardless of whether it is your actual first kiss or just a first kiss with a new guy, everyone needs to learn to take it easy! That's right friends, it is not okay in any situation to just throw your mouth open and swallow your kissing partner's face on the first attempt. There are a few things that no one I know of enjoy in a kiss.

Number one, slobber. When you attempt to slobber on her she may think of you like she thinks of her puppy and never want to kiss you again.

Number two, don't open wide. Only the dentist wants to see that, enough said.

Number three, take it easy buckaroo. A nice little peck on the lips is perfectly fine for the first kiss. Swallowing someone's chin is not only weird but very unattractive and will make most people feel quite uncomfortable.

Last, but definitely not least, try to refrain from throwing firecrackers, hand grenades, knives or anything else that may potentially cause death or dismemberment at the person you'd like to date or are interested in. Unattractive? Yes.  Weird? Most Definitely. Chance at a relationship? Over!

All in all, boys, men, guys, whatever you'd like to call yourselves, you don't have to look like Brad Pit, talk like Chris Hemsworth or sing like John Mayer to get the girls. You just need to be sweet without being overbearing, weird without being psycho, and fun without being immature and for goodness sake work those dimples God gave you.

1 comment:

Celia's Gibberish said...

Man, it must be so annoying to have a guy show up to a date with face paint on. I wonder what that would be like... :)

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